Workout

When I was 19, I weighed 115 pounds. Of course, that was the last time I weighed 115 pounds. That year I became pregnant, and my body changed forever.

With that pregnancy, I gained 50 pounds. Eventually I took most of it back off. And when I got married, I could fit into a size 4. It was fantastic.

Then I got pregnant. Again. And Again. And...you get where I'm going with this, right? I get pregnant, I gain weight. A lot of it. So, when I stepped on the scale after Brennan was born and realized that I was dangerously close to 200 pounds, I decided something had to change.

While I've looked for a diet that involves lots of Dove chocolate and sitting around watching TV with my kids, I've yet to find it. And, please, if you can sit around eating chocolate with your kids and still be slim and vibrant, don't tell me. You're another person I like to pretend is imaginary.

So, I've started doing the reasonable thing. Cutting back intake, and working out. So, how do you know when you've had a good workout? Well, tonight the sweat running down my chest and my muscles turning to jello was my sign. So far, I've lost 4 pounds. That doesn't sound like much, and I'm probably nuts, but I like to think I can feel myself shrinking.

I have told myself all kinds of things. Like I'm not that big, or that my kids love a soft mama. But I'm not healthy, and I don't feel good about the way I look. I think not being active enough makes my depression worse, and I certainly don't need that.

I don't long to be 115 pounds anymore. It wouldn't be healthy for me now. But I do long to be able to run around after my kids without getting winded and tired. I long to not want to cry when I shop for clothes. I long to be healthy again.

Back To Life

Can you believe I haven't blogged in over a month? I can. Between getting back to work, getting back to homeschooling, and getting back to being a keeper of my home, I'm swamped! About all I get around to do is updating my Facebook status and playing the occasional game of Bejeweled Blitz.

So, what's going on in the Basso house? Everything. All the time.

Reagan wants to come back home and be homeschooled again. I'm fine with that, but I have concerns, too. I'll be talking to some of the people at his school. I want to make sure he can get all he needs at home. On a positive note, he's testing way above grade level, is making good grades, and has been asked to join the honors choir.

Piper wants to be a Scientist. Right now that means finding things around the house to mix together. We're probably going to have to talk about that. Soon.

Bridget is recovering from a kidney infection. After two trips to urgent care, one trip to the E.R., a good deal of pain, and a fever of 103, she finally seems to be on the mend. And last night, when I was changing into my pajamas, she wandered into the bathroom. "It's okay Mommy." she said, "If I see you naked, I promise not to laugh. Only other people will laugh." Gosh, thanks. I thought I looked pretty good yesterday, but leave it to my kids to keep me humble!

Ciaran is potty learning. Since he's a visual learner, we got him a couple of dvd's, we're taking him often, and explaining all the steps. It's all about repetition. Right now it's all miss and we haven't had a hit yet. But I'm confident it's coming. After all, the kid not only tells me when he's dirty, he's started putting on his own diaper. Autism or not, that's where I draw the line. When you can put on your own diaper, it's time to take them OFF.

Quinn is learning new words all the time. I think he's slightly speech delayed, but he's still so communicative I'm not worried about Autism. He'll go to the cup drawer and get me a cup if he's thirsty. He asks for more. He points to things. He answers to his name and he makes eye contact. He also smiles and totally melts me. Seriously, he's a cute little guy.

Brennan is growing and changing every day. He wants to nurse all the time, and he's making me grateful we co-sleep. I'd go nuts if we didn't.

As for me, I'm getting back into the swing of things. And now that I seem to be remembering my anti-depressant, I'm getting my good mood back. Along with that, I'm working on improving my eating habits and have started working out. It's kicking my butt. And that's a very good thing. When I work out I get to bed at a good hour and helps encourage the normalcy I'm trying to get back to. Well, whatever normal is in a house with six kids who are constantly growing and changing.

New Baby Life

I've done this new mom thing before. You think I'd remember that I don't sleep well. You'd think it wouldn't be news to me that I'm a little crankier than usual. But no, it always takes me by surprise. All I really want to do is wallow in a baby moon...snuggling, nursing, and changing without all the distractions of real life. But it turns out the other kids still want to be fed, as does my husband. The laundry won't do itself, and the food hasn't started jumping into the crock pot so I can turn it on and go! Crazy, huh?

Now there's so much to do. Reagan and Ciaran have school. And of course Ciaran likes shouting (a sensory thing) and kicking (another sensory and communication thing). Quinn has suddenly decided that he needs to do everything his big brother does. That's so normal, but when the child he's emulating is a child with Autism, it leads to some unusual behavior that I really don't need in stereo. The girls are busy with homeschooling (which I totally need to do my paperwork for this year) and I need to keep up with that as well. We're actually studying Colonial America, as is Reagan. Reagan didn't realize we were studying that particular topic and took one of our materials to school to show his teacher who then asked to borrow it. I've had to ask Reagan to please get it back as we need it for our lesson this week.

I know a lot of families make it look easy to fold a new baby into the routine of the family, but I've always found it a bit challenging. Babies have their own time table, and we have to work around it while still meeting everyone else's needs. Still, somehow it will all work out, and with any luck I won't go all nutty in the process. Not that I don't love it, because I do. But it can be wonderful and challenging at the same time.

Spectrum Saturdays: Gratitude

It may sound odd that I titled this entry "Gratitude" but over the past few days I've had some time to think about what I'm grateful for with regards to Autism. I've lived with Autism for years. I just didn't know it. The name didn't change what we were dealing with, but it did help. "Autism" as a label opened doors. It brought with it special classes, therapists, doctors, and opportunities for my sons to get help that we never would have gotten without that word.

I could list for days the way that Autism makes me crazy. For example, Ciaran has been on a kicking spree lately. We have French doors that lead to the master bedroom. Ciaran likes to wake me up in the morning by kicking them. Or if I go in there to change or feed the baby, he's right there kick, kick, kicking them and generally making me crazy. He does it for a number of reasons, all related to his Autism. Autism is the reason it's so hard to potty train, that Reagan has so much trouble staying focused, and what hinders communication with Ciaran. But this label means we have a chance to fight back. Because now that it has a name, we have some idea of what tools to use. And we will use them, we will fight, and we will somehow win.

I'm grateful for the unique human being my Autistics are. I cherish each smile I'm given, and each milestone reached. I'm grateful for the label, if not for the disorder.

Autism affects 1 in 100 children. Two of them are mine.

Spectrum Saturdays: Autism Speaks

This movie should be seen by everyone who lives with Autism in their lives or their family, and everyone who loves and supports them. It's well worth the 4 minute investment.



I see the wall that Autism builds, every day. I saw it tonight when Ciaran fell and knocked out his front tooth and couldn't even tell me if it hurt. But I will climb the wall, I will go over it, under it, around it, or even (as the video says) tear it down with my bare hands. Autism should be afraid. It may think it can kill our hope, but it can not. We will win, and I will win my child away from it. I will never give up. And neither I, nor my sons, are alone

Defeating Duggar Syndrome

When people in the hospital found out that I'd just delivered my sixth child, most had the same question: Will you have more? To be honest, asking a woman who's just pushed a child out if she'd like to do that again, seems pointless. I'd have to be a masochist to want to do that again before I've had a chance to forget that it hurt! All I really wanted to do was rest and spend time with the baby I just had, not think about having more.

So, I come home with my new baby and turn on the Duggar show 18 Kids and Counting. On it Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar (God bless them) announced that they are expecting baby number 19. The Duggars always make me think and question. My pregnancies cause so much back pain for me. How does she do it after so many? Is it easy for them to do this because they have healthy babies and easy pregnancies? Would they feel or act differently if their circumstances were different?

I also wonder how they manage meeting everyone's needs. I've seen their buddy system and all, but what did they do with lots of young children before they had lots of older children? How did Michelle not go crazy when exhausted from pregnancy or with a new baby and all the other kids needed her? How does she work a new baby into the routine with homeschooling and everything else? And why does she make me feel so totally inadequate as a mom?

For me, Duggar Syndrome is more than just being jealous that I will never be able to have babies without thinking about things like back pain, finances, and prematurity. Frankly, I know some women have two and then are happily done, but I'll never be one of those women. I think I'll always want more, even if it's not a good idea. Duggar Syndrome is also the feeling that I don't have nearly as much on my plate as Michelle Duggar, but somehow am unable to keep it all together as well as she does. I wonder if she has had any times of self doubt as a parent.

When I'm sleeping so close to someone this tiny and gorgeous, how could I not want to be the best mom in the world? To make all the right choices? To give these wonderful blessings everything they need to be good people?

I may not be able to banish my doubts easily. But, thankfully, I'm not going it alone.

Heavenly Father,

Make me a better parent

Teach me to understand my children,

To listen patiently to what they have to say,

And to answer all their questions kindly.

Keep me from interrupting them,

or contradicting them.

Make me as courteous to them

as I would have them be to me.

Forbid that I should ever laugh at their mistakes,

Or resort to shame or ridicule if they displease me.

Bless me with the bigness to grant them

all their reasonable requests,

And the courage to deny them privileges

that I know will do them harm.

Make me fair and just and kind.

And fit me, O Lord,

to be loved and respected

and imitated by my children.

Amen.

Bringing Brennan Home

Last Tuesday, after 16 days in the NICU, I finally got to bring Brennan home. He needed several days getting CPAP to keep his lungs open. Then he had a couple of days with high flow oxygen through nasal canula to keep his breathing deep. At that point he was also started under bilirubin lights for his jaundice. After coming out from the lights, he had to go back under. And of course, he had to learn to eat. The magic answer seemed to come when we put him on a regular flow nipple and he started eating like a champ.

Still, NICU life is stressful. It was hard to split time between the kids at home who needed me, and the baby in the hospital who needed me. Bringing him home was wonderful. And, of course, he took to nursing like a champ as soon as I got him home. And he's been busy this week, eating, sleeping, filling his diapers, and generally being adorable.

I worried that the kids would have issues, but so far they all seem to love him. Even Quinn spent half the evening tonight trying to kiss him on his head. He hasn't been jealous at all.

Last week I tried to get rest. This week, I'm starting my routine with chores again. It's important for my sanity that I keep my house in order. Next week, we'll add in school. I'm anxious to get back to all the fun things we were studying before I got horribly distracted by other things (you know like contractions, family visits, Summer...).

And I promise to get back to blogging. My husband keeps telling me he misses reading my posts.

Brennan and Piper. You can see how tiny he is compared to her.